not that anyone reads this blog…but for posterity, anticipated nostalgia, boredom, whatever it is that is suckering me into writing right now, I WRITE!!

first night in charlotte ― so far i am the only one here right now. daniel is working zingo, be back @3am. collin is driving, be here soon. who knows about zach. who KNOWS zach? i hung Christmas lights already…a shoutout to Lynz, the only person i know who would prefer to light the world exclusively with Xmas lights if she could. the truck gets here tomorrow and so we sleep on the floor, and sit on the floor and eat on the floor and drool on the floor. the appleseed cast keeps me company and introduces me to new surroundings to the soundtrack of the familiar.
i wonder about all the months of planning that have gone into THIS MOMENT. it is the right move, right? Lord? it is in Your plan? right? Lord? i’m not going to Your house in the morning because the truck is getting here…and i won’t barely pray in the morning because my sleep will take over. and You have been so good, watching over every detail, down to transportation and safety, yet i pat myself on the back for the things that please me and worry about the things that i am unsure of. did i forget to thank You, did i forget to trust You? did i forget You?
this city is huge. bigger than big and yet i want to touch its pulse. can someone help me do that please? a church, a ministry of, a person within…anyone? do i start here? at my apartment, or on the job, or somewhere in greater need? i saw “i cannot” but that is right where You want me. and i do not. i do not want to be there i do not want to try i do not feel comfortable allowing You to use me in weakness. and these things that i’ve learned for 4 years are too hard for me to do. it’s too hard to trust You to help me through the hard times. much easier just to work harder…though i find out i cannot. i cannot fix it, i cannot make it happen, i cannot find her a roommate, job, apartment, friends, comfort, peace. i cannot. but what is it that You have asked? not those things. but simply to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him. all those words are hard: act, just, love, mercy, walk, and most especially humbly. humility. how could i be proud when i don’t have a grasp on life? my pride keeps me inwardly scared. humility opens the cavities of the heart the crevices that are so dark and fearful are admitted and healed when walking humbly.
that is what i want. humility. that is Your key for me. how can i touch this city? with a spirit of humbleness. thank You.

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream’s decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I’m trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, “see the art in me”

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity’s been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I’m trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, “see the art in me”

Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls
‘Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

i wonder if i’ll always want more.

how selfish AM I? how selfish CAN i be? how selfish is healthy?

can you make the sun go up? can you make the sun go down?

can you make the moon go up? you make my world go round.

your laugh means you’re/makes me happy. your silence destroys.

the city lights glow and twinkle; like my heart and your eyes.

the world is just a world of problems

to me you are the beautiful one, the worth-while one, the one.

but to tie it back in, my selfishness, it blinds me.

what about other people’s significant others?

my love for you easily transfers into hatred towards them.

attention to you = negligence to them.

~~~

GOD does this mean that i marry her and go?

is SHE what You are using to keep me aware of them?

admittedly strange, but Your plans are not to be argued.

she – makes me giddy, they – sweel up depression

it seems she’s the only one You could provide to encourage me

the only one who moves my heart. and so–

before i even knew her, even before all time,

You knew that her burning passion, her fierce regard

for those that wither me would be my catalyst

would be my entrance ramp onto the highway of Your Will.

~~~

can i still be scared God? can i still hurt for what’s coming?

and grimace as it happens? then please give me joy. the joy, Your joy.

*smile* oh. i see. *squeezes her hand*

just enough love for me overflows from her love for them

she’s holding my hand while trying to paddle cross the ocean w/ the other.

AND LORD i’m petrified.

now – those kids to be saved

then – my one ticket

later – the path of life

~~~

Prince of Peace, Groom of the Church,

please put Your hand on my shoulder.

walk me thru the steps

my nerves have crippled

and my worries trippled

but You possess everything i need. and hopefully all that i am.

~~~

patience. long-suffering. endurance. and self-control.

these are just look random clumsy mixed up notes that i looked up one morning…stay tuned for my real thoughts eventually.

cornelius’ story in acts 10. esp v. 4 that talks about his prayers.
wasn’t it samuel’s mother who prayed forever for a son and He finally heard.
same with zechariah in lk 1:13
i also have thoughts on rom 12:12, but tell me yours first.
2 cor 1:8-11 is another interesting passage and also check the armor of God passage in Eph 6.
i am a fan of philippians. chapter 1 contains my alltime favorite prayer. ch 4:6 seems to suggest that prayer increases our trust (as opposed to anxiety) in God.
2 tim. 2:8 – i never realized that this is where “godspeed, you black emporer” got the title for their famous cd. interesting.
hebrews 5:7 – “reverant submission” seems to be important.
i can’t believe i forgot about James 5. clearly james holds that prayer is NOT just something for the believer. “powerful and effective”
revelation – “the prayers of the saints” are mentioned quite a bit.
lastly, i love col. 4:12 – “wrestling” from some grk word i’ll look up later – “αγωνιζομενος” wonder where else it is used.

These are the final words to a song called “Under Pressure” by David Bowie:

Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love give love give love?
Give love give love give love give love give love

Cause love’s such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves

This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure

Under Pressure

These words make me think big time. when was the last time a big celebrity thought about someone other than themselves?? i mean really!! to me, even when they do like philanthropic work, it is still to get their name out there. but he’s right: love dares us to change our ways and think about OTHERS!! this also ties into “what sarah said” by DCFC when that song talks about “love is watching someone die” which could be true but Christ tells us straight up in John 15:13 (and surrounding) that love is giving up your life for a friend.

when loving another human this entails working for what is best for them. not what you want or think you need or even what they want but what they NEED.

and when loving God this means obeying His commandments. how does this tie into “laying down your life”? well obviously Luke 14:33 says that we must give everything up for our Lord. so giving up what you want your life to look like is dying to yourself and taking up the cross of Jesus Christ = loving Him. and he says that in this way we are loving Him, by keeping His commandments. and yet, the greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, strength, mind. that’s some wholistic theology for you.

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The Call to Sanctification

Finally then, brothers, we ask and encourage you in the Lord Jesus, that as you have received from us how you must walk and please God—as you are doing —do so even more.  For you know what commands we gave you through the Lord Jesus.  For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, so that each of you knows how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles who don’t know God. This means one must not transgress against and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger of all these offenses, as we also previously told and warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but to sanctification. Therefore, the person who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who also gives you His Holy Spirit.

This is a passage that my guy friends and i are trying to memorize this week. i wonder about the “possess his own vessel” thing. what is with σκευος? is it just a greek idiom about men taking women or does it really mean the control a man has over his own body? i think that in the context it simply commands us to be in control of ourselves and desires so that the sanctification of the Spirit may continue to take place. altho we certainly cannot sanctify ourselves, we sure can halt the sanctification process. i know. i’ve done it many times.

i just love that this talks about God’s will. Dad and i talked about this on Sunday. if God were giving me specifics right now, i’d sure as heck be all rushin off to do those things that i knew He wanted me to do. because i have said in my prayers over and over again that i want to do His wil. which i DO. and i would do that. BUT i need to get my priorities straight. and NOT to say that i have to be perfect before God can use me, but it would sure be helpful if i was putting Him first and not my lustful desires. if i did indeed have a vision to see His entire will carried out in my life rather than just the specific that He reveals. so, in other words, my sanctification is His will right now. not for me to know exactly what i am doing next. so since that is the case, i must follow thru on my word and focus on fulfilling my part of being a willing participant in the sanctification that the Spirit is carrying out in my life.

it is saturday