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not that anyone reads this blog…but for posterity, anticipated nostalgia, boredom, whatever it is that is suckering me into writing right now, I WRITE!!
first night in charlotte ― so far i am the only one here right now. daniel is working zingo, be back @3am. collin is driving, be here soon. who knows about zach. who KNOWS zach? i hung Christmas lights already…a shoutout to Lynz, the only person i know who would prefer to light the world exclusively with Xmas lights if she could. the truck gets here tomorrow and so we sleep on the floor, and sit on the floor and eat on the floor and drool on the floor. the appleseed cast keeps me company and introduces me to new surroundings to the soundtrack of the familiar.
i wonder about all the months of planning that have gone into THIS MOMENT. it is the right move, right? Lord? it is in Your plan? right? Lord? i’m not going to Your house in the morning because the truck is getting here…and i won’t barely pray in the morning because my sleep will take over. and You have been so good, watching over every detail, down to transportation and safety, yet i pat myself on the back for the things that please me and worry about the things that i am unsure of. did i forget to thank You, did i forget to trust You? did i forget You?
this city is huge. bigger than big and yet i want to touch its pulse. can someone help me do that please? a church, a ministry of, a person within…anyone? do i start here? at my apartment, or on the job, or somewhere in greater need? i saw “i cannot” but that is right where You want me. and i do not. i do not want to be there i do not want to try i do not feel comfortable allowing You to use me in weakness. and these things that i’ve learned for 4 years are too hard for me to do. it’s too hard to trust You to help me through the hard times. much easier just to work harder…though i find out i cannot. i cannot fix it, i cannot make it happen, i cannot find her a roommate, job, apartment, friends, comfort, peace. i cannot. but what is it that You have asked? not those things. but simply to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him. all those words are hard: act, just, love, mercy, walk, and most especially humbly. humility. how could i be proud when i don’t have a grasp on life? my pride keeps me inwardly scared. humility opens the cavities of the heart the crevices that are so dark and fearful are admitted and healed when walking humbly.
that is what i want. humility. that is Your key for me. how can i touch this city? with a spirit of humbleness. thank You.
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